Spiraling Down
by Morphien
Summary: How do you cope with losing a friend to his insanity? He claimed he loved you, but after being the victim of his worsening behavior you begin to wonder which side of the fence is safer to dwel on. Gam/Tav
1. Sleep Over

Well, this is my first time writing for Homestuck, and well yeah – for the Gamzee and Tavros fandom as well. It's been three years since I last wrote a story... So, any and all pointers to help guide me through would be awesome :)

Spiraling Down

Tavros, prior to visiting his best friend on an chilly November night, was aware that he would have to bring a jacket and some extra cash to stop at the corner store with later when Gamzee would get a case of "the munchies". That of course, was a normal occurrence whenever he went to visit him. So he hurried out of his room in the one bedroom apartment he shared with his dad, who slept on the king size bed they had in the living room that was used both as a couch and a bed, and scurried into the kitchen. The kitchen was cramped, but it was cozy in Tavros's opinion. He got on his knees, opened the bottom cabinet door, and pulled out a tattered looking box of Stove Top Stuffing (a.k.a, his hidden money stash).

"I hope Gamzee doesn't go overboard with his cravings tonight." He murmured as he began to pour the coins out onto the cabinet top, sifting the copper coins from the silvers. He stopped and began counting them; reaching to his side and plucking out a Ziploc bag and pulling it open to put the silver coins in once he finished counting. "Twenty-four..Twenty-five.." His math skills weren't all that great, but based off of his calculations he had twenty-five nickels and nineteen quarters. So yeah, he had six dollars ready for Gamzee's "Take me to 7-Eleven bro" munchy-run.

Tavros smiled his small, nervous, smile and pocketed the change after he scooped the change into the Ziploc. He walked out of the kitchen and plucked his plaid brown and red jacket off of his dad's bed, along with his wallet and flip-up cell phone, silently feeling a little bad he was happy that his dad was out of town for his lead role in the musical for Pupa Pan so he could see Gamzee. If his dad knew he was going out to visit Gamzee, "That drugged up kid" as his dad would say, he would be really disappointed in him and ground him. No doubt about that.

Tavros would rather shrug off the negativity for now; it was about time he left to go spend the night with his best friend. He zipped up his hoodie to his collarbones and stepped out into the chilly air, remembering to turn off the lights and lock both locks on the door. He jogged a little until he reached the staircase that lead to the upper level of his apartment complex and ducked behind it, unchaining his bike and hanging the chain over his neck as he kicked up the kickstand and hopped on the seat. He kicked the ground a few times before he finally rested both feet on the pedals. "Time to see Gamzee." He smiled, uncaring that he had a twenty minute bike ride ahead of him.

When he arrived in Gamzee's complex, he noticed in awe that most of the mansion-like, two story, houses were already in the beginnings of Christmas light decorations. Purple, lime green, and yellow-white lights danced over his skin and eyes, the reflector on the front of his bike flickering those colors as well. Tavros turned a corner, a smile on his face as he arrived at Gamzee's house – which was also dressed up richly with many lights. "Geeze..." Tavros laughed, "If my dad had to pay the electricity bill, I think he'd have a heart attack." Without any further stalling, since he was beginning to see his breath now, Tavros chained his bike up to the light post and jogged up to the steps, pushing the door bell three times since his knuckles were too cold to knock with.

Not too long after he rang the bell Gamzee opened the door, offering a joyous, "Howdy, motherfucker!" His eyes looked bloodshot but that was normal.

"Uhh...Hey Gamzee." Tavros smiled in greeting.

The thick but spicy smell of weed lingered lightly on his clothes and breath as air from inside of the large house curled around Tavros's body to welcome him inside of its warmth. Gamzee closed the door behind Tavros as he stepped inside and slipped his shoes off, Gamzee breezing past him easily into the large kitchen.

"Yo, you want a Faygo?" Gamzee asked, opening the grey stainless steel fridge, bending over and rummaging inside of it.

Tavros smiled a little, shuffling over the carpet in his socks, "Um.. Yeah, sure." He hardly got that out before Gamzee tossed a bottle of orange Faygo towards him unexpectedly and he fumbled it slightly in his hands before securing his grip on it.

"Nice catch, man. You're gettin' the hang of this."A slight blush formed over his cheeks in slight embarrassment.

"Uh.. Thanks, and um... Are your parent's home?"Tavros asked nervously. Gamzee's mother and father were the type of parents who disapproved of 'lower-classed' friends; the kind of parents who want their kids to only be around the 'high-class' people.

Gamzee waved him off and started up the staircase, "Aw Tav, you don't need to worry about those motherfuckers. They went out yesterday on some cruise to Jamaica or some shit."

Tavros let out a relieved sigh, "That's great then..." The walk up the stairs was silent, which was strange to Tavros. Gamzee was usually a really exuberant chatterbox. Tavros's thought's suggested Gamzee might have something troubling on his mind, so he didn't ask. Tavros pushed his previous worries to the back of his head when Gamzee spoke up in his usual drawl as they reached his cluttered room.

"So, what's on the menu tonight my brother?" Gamzee asked as he walked up to his rather large entertainment system, swiping off empty cans and bottles of Faygo from the stack of video games he owned that he knew Tavros was comfortable playing. Tavros walked over, his nose burning slightly from the thick smoke in the air, taking a sip of Faygo before he sat on the rug in front of the television.

He sifted through all of them, most of the ones here they had played many times before. He stacked the ones they had already played in two stacks, labeling them as 'maybe's and 'nah's until a foreign case caught his eye. He picked it up and held up the Dance Dance Revolution game, grinning to himself.

"Hey, uh, Gamzee.. You think you can beat me?" He challenged, wiggling the game case against Gamzee's nose until the stoned black haired boy grabbed it from his tanned fingers.

Gamzee snorted once he read the name. "You think you can beat me, Tav?" His grin was lopsided in a friendly way, but his tone suggested his acceptance of Tavros's challenging statement.

"Hell yeah, uh... I can." Tavros blushed a little, grinning.

Gamzee shook his head with a chuckle, walking over to his bed, picking up a joint and lighting it. He inhaled deeply and then exhaled, sauntering over to his closet and dragging out two dance mats and immediately proceeding to plug them up to the TV.

Tavros excitedly hopped up and got his feet ready on the mat, "I'm going to kick your butt, Gamzee!"

Gamzee just shook his head and picked up the controller, browsing through the songs until he found one he and Tavros both agreed on, putting the difficulty on Standard Mode.

"You all up and ready for a wicked loss, Tav?"

"I think that question uh... Pertains to you." Tavros snickered as Gamzee pressed the start button.

Thirty minutes of playing later Tavros and Gamzee found themselves out of breath and sprawled sweaty and tiredly around the room; Tavros flopped on his back on Gamzee's messy bed and Gamzee laid spread out on the circular mat in front of the entertainment center. Tavros was wiping the sweat off of his brow, his eyes staring at the ceiling and a goofy smile wide on his lips.

Gamzee spoke up quietly, but his usual drawl sounded...off to Tavros.

"Tavros, we're a wicked pair right?"

Tavros laughed a little, only with a slight nervousness. "Of course Gamzee… Is uh, is something wrong?"

Tavros flopped over on his stomach and peeked over the side of the bed.

Gamzee's eyes caught his almost immediately, and for the first time since he met Gamzee, he looked serious about what he was about to blurt out to him, even though he was higher than a kite. And the string of words that he blurted out made Tavros's heart skip abruptly.

"I love you."


	2. Detrimental Detox

Notes: One thing I want to say first is fuck; I said summer not late autumn in the first chapter, my mistake guys! Haha, this actually takes place in early November. So yeah, my bad lol.

And secondly, thank you for the reviews guys, and sorry for the wait. Here's your treat for being loyal!

Chapter 2

Detrimental Detox

…..

It took a moment for Tavros's organs to function again, a moment for Tavros to fully register what Gamzee had said, and then another moment for him to laugh about it. It made Tavros feel less in the wrong about laughing when Gamzee joined in soon after.

"I knew you h-had to have been kidding, Gamzee!" Tavros giggled out, smiling down at his also laughing friend as he sat up. Gamzee shrugged after his short laughter died down and held his arms up.

"Help a bro up, Tav." Tavros did as was told, grabbing Gamzee's hand and helping him up, noticing how rough Gamzee's palm felt against his own softer one. He brushed the thought away and followed Gamzee with his eyes as he went over to his dresser and grabbed another joint.

He looked over his shoulder at Tavros, a flicker of emotion on his face for a moment that Tavros had hardly deciphered before he asked "Wanna join a motherfucker out on the balcony?"

As always, Tavros politely declined, "The uh, smoke gives me headaches remember?" He lightly poked a boney finger to his forehead and made a weird, playful face.

Any other night, Gamzee would laugh at the silly faces Tavros made. Any other night, Gamzee would close the sliding glass door of the balcony behind him so he could make smoke O's for Tavros without there being a headache problem. But tonight was different.

Tavros noticed with confused eyes that Gamzee's jaw was clenched as he shrugged and stepped barefoot out onto the balcony and closed the dark lavender curtain and sliding door behind him, obscuring whatever he was doing. A shadow of Gamzee was seen hunching his shoulders, probably to light up, and then he moved away so his shadow couldn't be seen anymore.

Tavros dropped his hand from his face and he looked down at his fingers for a second. What the hell was going on? Tavros needed to slam a Faygo..or whatever.

He got up from Gamzee's large bed and left the room, tanned toes sinking into the dark grey carpet that lined the interior of the mansion and a flimsy hand holding the railing as he descended the staircase from the second floor. He shuffled to the fridge and opened it.

"Oh wow." He smiled, momentarily losing his previous train of thoughts in favor of taking in the many different Faygo flavors he could choose from. He reached in and poked his index finger across the labels, trying to decide what flavor he really wanted. He finally settled for a F-Bomb Faygo, leaning out of the fridge and beginning to untwist the cap.

He kicked the door shut and turned to face the stairs. He walked up a little until he reached the island in the middle of the kitchen and pushed himself up on top, taking a few satisfying gulps of the fruit punch flavored soda once settled with his feet crossed under him.

And now that he drank and thought about it, he understood why Gamzee always told him to slam a Faygo when he needed to think.

_Gamzee hasn't been Gamzee lately_, Tavros stated the obvious to himself as he took another sip and stared down the opening of the bottle. _Its beginning to become very unsettling_, the thought continued, _maybe it's that guy Dave messing with him again. He always seems to make him more agitated and weirder than normal._

Tavros agreed to that thought with a nod, _Dave is probably poking fun at Gamzee about him someday joining Insane Clown Posse or Cirque du Soleil again.. _He abruptly sighed.

_But that doesn't explain why Gamzee said he loved me._ He made a thoughtful face and began scratching his fluffy Mohawk. _Why would he even say that to me? The only person I know who has ever said that to me was dad. And the way Gamzee said it, it didn't even sound like the way dad says it.._

Tavros drank the last of the Faygo and slid off the island for a moment, closing the cap back on the bottle after stomping the air out, and slipping it into the garbage. He walked back to the island.

"Why are you slamming Faygos so late, Tavbro?"

Tavros jumped and whipped around, his previous train of thought lost again, "G-Gamzee! You, uh, scared the Jegus out of me!" He laughed, fingers splayed over the spot where his heart was thrumming against his shirt. To Tavros's surprise Gamzee actually looked better, although he stunk to high heaven and his eyes were vibrant red and droopy.

"Sorry bro, didn't mean any harm." He smiled a little lopsidedly, scratching a hand through his messy, sloppy hair. Tavros's smile was a lot warmer; there's the Gamzee he knew.

"Uh, does this mean you're ready for bed?" Tavros snickered.

A nod, "Sure am, motherfucker."

Tavros walked with Gamzee to the stairs and then led the stoned boy to his room, murmuring a short goodnight and hugging him before making his way to the guest bedroom.

Tavros smiled as he curled up on the guest bed. He didn't need to worry.

Gamzee was Gamzee again.

…..

About ten days passed since the sleep over and within the course of those ten days, Gamzee's parents had come back from their Jamaican cruise and Tavros's dad had returned from his Pupa Pan tour. The latter mentioned were currently in the car waiting at a stop light from their trip to the veterinarian, soft alternative rock music playing and a comfortable breeze floating in the windows.

Tavros held a cat carrier on his lap with the opening facing him, eyes fondly regarding the plump belly of the purring calico mother-to-be. "Dad?" He looked over at the man in the driver's seat who grunted and looked over briefly to acknowledge him.

"Yeah, Tav?"

"Can we uh, keep one this time?" He asked, voice hopeful and fingers poking through the square holes of the metal chain door to rub the mother's tummy gently. She meowed and batted his finger, clawing it lightly to bring it to her nose; sniffing it and then licking him.

Tavros's dad, Torero, pushed on the gas as the light turned green and pulled to a stop again shortly after at a median to make a turn. He ruffled his son's Mohawk and chuckled, "You really like animals don't you, Tavros?"

He nodded, "I feel more um, at peace and stuff with them." The mother cat rubbed her face against the cage door so Tavros could scratch behind her ear, and mewed again when he did.

Torero shook his head with a smile, "When she has them, you can choose one out that you like. We'll give the others away to good homes." He turned the corner into their neighborhood and drove slowly. "But remember Tav, it all depends on if we have the funds to take care of her and the kitten. And if not, I'll give her to one of my co-workers so you can still see her."

Tavros smiled big, "You mean it?" The answer was a chuckle and another ruffle of his Mohawk.

He beamed and hugged the cat carrier close, "I-I'm going to be a Zoologist one day and make you proud, dad."

Torero parked and smiled at Tavros as he cut the engine, "I'm already proud of you, buddy."

…..

It's been ten days, ten agonizingly long days since the sleepover. Not once after did Gamzee roll up another joint. Not once after did he bother to slam a Faygo. He saw no hope or reason anymore.

His head was pounding, his thoughts were screaming and his eyes were wide and rapidly flickering around his room.

Within the course of those ten days Gamzee's mom left his dad for the last time, his dad became best friends with Mike's Pub again and got too drunk to come home for four nights. And within those ten days, Gamzee felt it.

Gamzee was alone.

And there was no one to pull him back from the edge this time. Tavros had laughed at his feelings when Gamzee thought he felt the same way back. His mother still left his dad even though his dad took her on a cruise to prove how much she meant to him. She didn't reconsider even when Gamzee said he loved her; she just walked that much faster out the door. Gamzee's dad shut him out again, and he hasn't come back from the bar yet.

The words screamed; the painful voices of rejection and loneliness tore though Gamzee's head and ripped at his securities one by one.

The next moment Gamzee could process his actions, he was downstairs at his sink; a rainbow of Faygos pouring down the drain as he emptied bottle upon bottle into the basin. His eyes were hollow, and everything seemed clearer now.

"Drink up, motherfucker."


	3. Blood and Gore

Chapter 3.

Blood and Gore

Where has Gamzee been? Tavros has been asking himself this question for two weeks since he's last seen his troubled friend. He rang the door bell again for the fourth time and waited another two minutes like the previous three rings. Nothing.

Tavros picked up his bag and slipped the straps over his shoulders. "I guess he left town with his parents and forgot to mention it?" Tavros tried giving his friend's absence a good enough excuse so he wouldn't have to worry.

But now he was worrying more than before. Gamzee was never silent.

The frigid December breeze stung his cheeks as he biked the twenty minutes back to his apartment where his precious newborn litter of kittens awaited him. His pregnant mother cat gave birth two days prior, blessing the home with three squeaking, healthy babies. Two calico like the mother, and one lone tabby.

Tavros smiled warmly at the thought of his new kittens, though he wouldn't be able to keep all three, the hope still remained that his father would be fine with him keeping one from the litter along with the mother. The thoughts of his kittens kept his worries about Gamzee in the corner of his mind where he occasionally dipped back into wondering, but chose to ponder names for the kittens over worrying about him.

He's worried enough about his friend for one week. Gamzee should have told him about his plans to disappear on him like that; his friend knows how he worries. Honestly, Tavros thought he should be mad or at the least annoyed with his close friend for disappearing on him.

Tavros took a breath, and released it in a plume of fog. He was stopped at a crosswalk waiting for the light to turn red so he could bike across.

"_I love you."_

Tavros lifted his head from looking at the side walk, a burning sensation creeping across his cheeks. He could feel eyes on him, and they began making him really nervous. He darted his eyes around him and turned his head to look in each direction, holding his handle bars and swiveling his front wheel to check behind him. A guy with another woman in a car was staring at him in the lane waiting to turn green, but Tavros didn't know him or the woman. The woman was picking her fingernails while telling the man in the drivers seat something with her eyes to her lap, concentrated on her hands. His eyes darted away when the light changed and he drove off.

Tavros chalked it up to the man just being bored at the light and curious about the bike he was riding. He really needed to stop being so paranoid.

Tavros kicked off the ground after checking both ways and peddled across the intersection, finally only five minutes away from his house. His mind wandered again as he rode down the sidewalk. He had been wondering for almost two weeks if Gamzee loved him romantically, and not just as a close friend. Tavros has no idea what real love feels like, or what attraction is like. He couldn't wrap his mind around Gamzee being romantically interested in him. What was there to like?

Tavros didn't care about the gender issue, it didn't matter to him as much as other people make it out to be, but he didn't know what love is. And he laughed when Gamzee confessed because he thought Gamzee claimed it out of stoned stupor. Tavros really hoped he didn't laugh at the wrong time. He prayed that HE wasn't the cause of Gamzee's absent behavior.

Tavros could see his apartment coming into view and he sped up to hurry into the warmth of his home. He was itching to pet his fingers over the tiny heads of his kittens, he loved seeing their cute faces scrunch and hearing their muffled sounds.

He pulled the bike lock from his bag and linked it around the middle of his bike, locking it to the rack on the inner part of his complex before ascending the stairs carefully one by one. He's always had frail weak knees, so when his father moved them into a second floor apartment complex Tavros had to learn over many tears and injuries to just take it slow.

He rounded the top of the stairs and started walking towards his door. Occupied by looking for his keys in his bag, he didn't notice the warm squishy masses lying on top of the doormat before his foot landed on it with a soggy wet sound.

"Huh?" He moved the bag from in front of his view and cried out in horror and fear. He threw his bag from himself and stared at the separated masses of fur and blood arranged on his mat in absolute horror. He screamed as the tears came, hot and fueled by his anguish and fear. He wrung his hands hard until the skin chaffed and stared though blurred vision at the dismembered kittens on his doorstep.

He screamed again and sobbed hysterically, his whole body shaking and unwilling to move. He could hear people leaving their units to see what the screaming was and a pair of hurrying footsteps coming towards him.

"Tavros!" A girl with thick black hair and glasses rushed to him and forcefully pulled him away from the scene after he heard her audible, horrified, gasp. She rushed him into her unit and pulled off his bloody shoes before putting him on her couch and wrapping him in a warm blanket. She left the room with her phone, through his sobs and hysterical breaths he knew who she was calling.

Soon enough his father was home. His father cleaned the mess and entered the home by himself. The door had been unlocked, he said. Tavros was also told by his dad through the haze around his brain that someone had broken in through the balcony in the back.

He knew who that somebody was, and it sickened him to the core.

He vomited on the poor girl's carpet, he didn't have time to make it to the restroom.


End file.
